i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Randomize
