I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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