My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
