You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
