Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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