What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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