I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
