4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
