Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
