You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
