is your mom at the bar?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
