I just threw up on my dentist
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
