I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
