apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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