I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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