i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
