I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
This is my gift to your gina
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
