A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
