I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
