I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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