I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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