I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
