I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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