i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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