I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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