drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
