Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
