I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
