We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
