I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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