Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
