hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
