Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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