bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
