First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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