God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
