God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
