he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
