Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
