the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She bit a glass in half.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
