Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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