I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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