You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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