Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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