mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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