You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
