Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
