My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
