I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Bring me that man meat
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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