ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
