This is not my ceiling
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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