someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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